Queen’s principal wants to ban bottled water

Because you shouldn’t make your own decisions, Principal Daniel Woolf of Queen’s University has pledged to eliminate the choice for you.

According to the university’s website, Woolf plans to end the sale of bottled water on campus within five years. This news comes as relief to thousands of head-scratching Queen’s students who regularly hold up concession lines. (“Coke, or Dasani?! I just can’t decide!)

A plan is to be drafted in the fall, which will include measures to improve access to communal drinking fountains. The initiative has also been championed for providing the opportunity for university administrators to print ambiguous, feel-good phrases and socio-academic buzz words:

The need for ongoing education to foster sustainable and holistic attitudes about water conservation on campus has also been identified [as].

The Queen’s announcement comes after Ryerson University pledged last month to become the first bottled water free campus in Ontario. In related news, a collaborative study is to be released from both universities, proving that self-motivated change is more persuasive than imposed accommodation.

Ivana Zelenka, sustainability commissioner of the Society of Graduate and Professional Students, commented on Woolf’s initiative on the Queen’s website. “Principal Woolf’s commitment to sustainability initiatives on campus has truly been amazing and sets up a fertile ground for future collaborations and projects that are bound to move Queen’s University even higher on the sustainability ladder,” she said.

Future Queen’s plans include imposing a “Say Your Prayers and Eat Your Vitamins Day,” and removing all coloured paper options from campus photocopy machines.