Ask Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I’m getting married and I couldn’t be happier. Except for one thing. I don’t want my aunt to come to the wedding. She’s controlling and vindictive and horrible and she’ll ruin everything. But I’m afraid to confront her. What can I do?
Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
Try a trick I heard about from an American friend. Just use a demon-dialer to call her a week before the wedding. Leave a voicemail urging her to show up, tell her this will be the start of a wonderful reconciliation for you two — and give her the wrong date.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I’m popular with between 34% and 36% of my classmates. But between 28% and 30% of my classmates like this other girl, Steffie. I hate Steffie. She talks funny and she only ever wears green. How can I make her friends like me?
Signed, Blue with envy

Dear Blue,
Probably you can’t win Steffie’s friends over. But you can still rule without them. All you have to do is tell her friends that Steffie’s not a leader. Then spread rumours to set Steffie’s friends against one another. That way you’ll be free to do whatever you want! Try it, it works.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
A buddy of mine is trying to choose between two girls he likes. Brenda’s great, a lot of fun, a good influence on him. Judy’s a harridan. But my buddy hates taking advice, and I’m afraid if I tell him who to pick, he’ll just go with the other one. What can I do?
Signed, Interfering

Dear Interfering
Write a fake memo explaining why you’re terrified of Brenda, and leak it to La Presse. When your friend reads the memo he’ll pick Brenda just to spite you.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I want to invite some of my friends but not the others to a party at the Sheraton Hotel this Sunday afternoon. Any advice?
Signed, Picking and Choosing

Dear Picking,
Ooh, that’s a tough one. You’d be surprised how easily these things can backfire. Does it have to be a party? Could you maybe just send your friends something nice in a plain brown envelope? If not, then make sure the friends you invite don’t talk to the ones you don’t invite. I find it’s usually best to threaten them. Tell them that if they let word of the party get out you won’t take them to Afghanistan next time you go. That should keep them quiet. But just in case things go sideways, make sure there’s a fire escape handy.
Yours, Doug Finley

Dear Doug Finley,
I was partying the other night and I bumped into a beautiful old heirloom that my grandmother loves. I broke it, Doug. Now I don’t know what to do. She’ll be crushed when she finds out.
Signed, Clumsy Drunk

Dear Clumsy,
Blame the CBC.
Yours, Doug Finley

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