ladies and gentlemen, the prime minister of canada: kevin costner

Stephen Harper has had a complex relationship with climate change. For years he dismissed and ridiculed it. After being elected prime minister, he cited global warming as a genuine threat and told everyone to buy those squiggly light bulb thingies. But lately he’s been pretty quiet on the climate change file – and now he’s vowing to actually cut the tax on diesel fuel, which is a minor discordant pursuit for an alleged global-warming believer. As he faces off against a political rival known not just for hugging trees, but for frequently copping a feel, Harper may well be signaling a bold new approach on climate change:

My fellow Canadians,

I come before you as Conservative leader to reveal my party’s new approach to global warming. Without giving anything away, let me begin with a question: Who out there loves a good sauna?

My point is this: We’re boned. The Earth is experiencing its warmest temperatures in 12,000 years – and that ain’t gonna change if nine longhairs in Birkenstocks car pool to the hippie factory in a Prius.

Yes, if we set our minds to it, we could probably help the world slow the progress of climate change. But that’s boring. I want Canada to be a pioneer. And that is why we must spare no expense to ensure we are on the cutting edge of preparing for life after global warming.

Soon the Earth shall be a sultry cauldron of ocean and swamp. It is our task to make certain that post-humanoid existence in the exciting and moist Canada of tomorrow is every bit as awesome as it was in Waterworld, although we could probably do without the tacked-on romantic subplot.

Now as I address you today, I suspect some of you out there are wondering to yourselves: hey, when we elected Stephen Harper to be Prime Minister, did he have that dorsal fin?

No, I didn’t! Like most Canadians, I was a land dweller at the time – a “landie.” But the bright minds down at the National Research Council have helped me spur the pokey pace of evolution – I mean, creation – and now, presto, I’ve got ol’ finny here. I’m ready for whatever environmental toll comes due for mankind’s hubris. Your move, polar ice caps.

In the years ahead, I expect the usual partisan bluster from the opposition parties. The Liberals will demand a national harpoon registry. The New Democrats will want the gays to be able to marry penguins or something. But we won’t have time for this kind of nonsense.

From its east coast to its west coast to its south coast, the island nation of Canada will never have seen such prosperity. It will be truly a paradise. No snow means shorter lines at our ski slopes. No subzero temperatures mean Seadoo races in the Northwest Passage on May long weekend. Best of all: If the Arctic ice sheet melts, we’ll no longer need to devote precious mental energy to worrying about the state of the Arctic ice sheet.

When I send my kids to bed each night with a firm, businesslike handshake, I pray the day will come when they don’t even remember a time when Canada’s northern peoples were deprived the financial bounty of lucrative rattlesnake hunt.

Will Canada prevail in this exciting world of tomorrow? I ask you: Is the future Pope amphibian?

Breathe deeply, my friends. Breathe deeply, Canada. Soon, the gases you inhale shall be the gases of wealth and prosperity. Oh, and horrible, horrible cancer.

God bless our great undersea kingdom of tomorrow – and death to humans!

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