Much ado about Middleton's baby bump

'Kate's bump unites us as a nation. And it puts a twinkle in John Baird's eye'

The duchess of Cambridge is officially pregnant, which means that print media will stay in business for at least another nine months—thanks in large part to my grandmother. Speaking of grandmothers, this one should probably invest in a car seat. And Will and Kate should put some parental controls on their computer.

In the mean time, We, lowly plebs of the north, secondary subjects of Widdleton, should get used to it: It’s going to be Will-and-Kate time all the time, perhaps until the end of time. Canada is really into its royals, especially when they learn our customs. And when they don’t.

Now to the baby: boy, girl, demigod, we don’t care. Whatever it is, we will love it. And we will want to name it. I vote “Mendel.” Or one of these (more likely).


The life growing inside Kate Middleton is a big deal. But more important than that, at least temporarily, is the “bump” growing outside her—the so-called baby bump. (Not to be confused with lady lump.) Said bumps are always a big deal, no matter who they belong to. They are living, breathing accessories, and it’s very important how their carriers “dress” them.

Here is some cutting edge commentary on the dressings of bumps:

From Leslie Gornstein at eonline:

“Granted, her post-baby style will probably be the same as her pre-birth style, but any excuse for some photos of Kate Middleton with her top on, right?”

From Celebuzz:

“With a little one on the way, the posh princess will be trading her usual tailored silhouettes for roomier empire-waist styles to accommodate her burgeoning bump. But don’t expect Middleton giving up her L.K. Bennett heels anytime soon, which at under three inches, are a perfectly reasonable height for a mom-to-be to carry off.”

From the duchess herself (Jks):

“After a year and a half of marriage, William and I are expecting a child, a greatly anticipated occasion that has brought much joy to the Crown and personal horror to me, the innocent woman who was chosen from among millions to act, unwittingly, as nothing more than vessel for a deformed and unnatural being. SLAY THE BEAST INSIDE ME.”

And so much more fun to come!

If this doesn’t interest you, if it’s $1.35 too much, you can always join an anti-monarchist league and get one of these t-shirts (they look great over a baby bump.) But I’ve chosen to accept it. Kate’s bump unites us as a nation. And it puts a twinkle in John Baird’s eye. One day that bump will be a baby and that baby will become a person who can’t get a minute to himself. Or herself. He or she will probably join the cadets or rebel in weird and uncomfortable ways.

But no matter how bad our future heir has it someday, take solace in the fact that there will always be another seed who has it worse.


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