note on left breast reads: charlie wuz here!

Commenting in some magazine or other, Denise Richards summed up the current state of her romantic life: “I’m 37 years old, divorced with two kids, and my ex-husband is Charlie Sheen. I obviously have a lot of crap to get through right now, and I want a partner who understands all of this and still wants to be with me through the journey.”

Wow, when you put it that way Denise… [sound of all single men in America fleeing into distance, doors opening and closing, cars starting, tires squealing].

Confessing your age, your status as a single mother and the fact that you’re divorced from an ultra-jealous, notoriously abusive hooker enthusiast wins high marks for disclosure – but does not a persuasive personal ad make.

The world’s only less effective celebrity personal ads:

• “I’m 40 years old, divorced three times with two kids and my ex-husbands are Tommy Lee, Kid Rock and that dude from Paris Hilton’s sex video. I obviously have a lot of crap to get through right now and, in all likelihood, V.D.” – Pamela Anderson

• “I’m 26 years old, divorced [stamps foot twice] times with [stamps foot once, pauses, thinks, then stamps again] kids I’m permitted to contact only with the permission of the court, and my ex-husband’s primary accomplishment in life has been to make people reflect that maybe Vanilla Ice wasn’t so bad after all. I obviously have a lot of crap to get through right now and – ooooo, look! a shiny object!” – Britney Spears

• “I am Star Jones.” – Star Jones