Oh, God, Please, No, Anything But That. No.

When I first saw this story I thought the headline was a cruel, cruel joke. But it’s actually the cruel, cruel truth.

A spokesperson for The CW confirms what has been buzzed about for months: The network is developing an update of Melrose Place. Details remain sketchy, but it’s believed Melrose 2.0 would launch next fall.

A 90210 revival was at least something that made a certain amount of theoretical sense. Other high-school shows have had “next generation” revivals. But Melrose? Without Aaron Spelling or Darren Star (who will not be involved with this one either), what’s the point? Unlike 90210, with its valuable life lessons and PSAs, Melrose didn’t have much redeeming social value once they added Heather Locklear; it was a Spelling trashfest, a tribute to his genius at appealing to our worst instincts without ever making us feel guilty. (Most TV producers clearly have contempt for this kind of material and would prefer to be doing something better. With Spelling, you knew that trash was what he loved and what he wanted to be doing; as a commenter of mine put it, “his shows were dumb, but they weren’t dumbed down.”) It would be great fun to see a gleefully trashy show in that style, but a more “sophisticated” version of Melrose is not something to look forward to — 90210 is having trouble handling the writers’ attempt to make it less trashy than the original, but if you take out the trash from Melrose, you’ve got nothing.

What comes next? A remake of the Melrose spinoff Models, Inc?

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