Stephen Harper needs your help

Memo from The Prime Minister of Canada

I’m pandering, okay? Pandering to seniors. To women. Pandering to any group that might be able to put me over the top next time. As you all saw in the Throne Speech, I’ve given up any pretense of ideological purity, cohesive thinking or brevity.

That’s what motivated the anthem thing. But there’s a problem. Once you start fiddling with this damn song, you see how its words can be perceived to offend others: Immigrants, agnostics, atheists, pacifists, paraplegics, people who think “True patriot love” sounds kind of swishy (ie. Kenney), etc. etc.

What I need is a national anthem that doesn’t offend anybody. I’ve been up all night. Here’s what I came up with. Looking for suggestions…

O Canada

Country called Canada

Place where we live

Above the USA

Ten provinces, three more up north, known as territories

Our top export, in fiscal terms, is oil not manatees

Let’s keep this land

Zombie-less and nice

O Canada, we legally reside within your internationally recognized borders  [Note: we’ll need to sing faster here]

O Canada, although in fairness our claims in the Arctic remain the subject of ongoing circumpolar dispute!

I know, I know – it’s not going to fly with the walking undead. But I guess you can’t please everyone.

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