the one for dudes

The reviews are in for Dolce & Gabbana’s new cologne and the verdict is – there are people who actually review colognes? Really? Do they bicker like Siskel and Ebert used to?

“Roger, as usual you fail to appreciate the thematic nuances of this fragrance’s musk undertones.”

“Bite it, baldy.”

[Sounds of a slap fight.]

Anyway, what’s interesting about Dolce & Gabbana’s The One for Men is not – as New York magazine reports – that it “has a cool-weather vibe” nor that its aroma “begins with a strong (and predictable) citrus-spice accord.” (I’m old enough to remember the historic signing of the citrus-spice accord. Boy, was cedar ever pissed.)

No, what’s interesting is that The One for Men is being marketed with sexy photographs and sexy commercials featuring the sexy Matthew McConaughey looking all sexily sexified. So it therefore it comes as something of a surprise that upon application the fragrance reportedly smells “like freshly baked cardamom cookies” instead of teeth whitener and bong water.

McConaughey, the only actor known to possess the ability to emote directly through his pectorals, is a curious choice to serve as the face – but mostly the sleek, shirtless torso – of a new cologne. I have traveled far and wide, visited many countries and most of the good continents, and have yet to come across a male human willing to confess a desire to smell like the dude from Failure to Launch. What I have found are many women who would like to treat McConaughey’s naked body like a jungle gym or a George Clooney.

So the bottom line is that women are going to buy this cologne for their husbands and boyfriends – and harbour the sad hope that a sniff of cookies in the sack will transport them to a magical wonderland where their partner has an adorable Texas drawl, abs that could slice a grapefruit and an IQ of that grapefruit he just sliced. Remember fellas – when she moans “Matthew! OH, MATTHEW!!” it’s just the cardamom talking.