We have everything to fear but fear itself

And our Prime Minister won’t ever let us forget it

Some leaders rule with an iron fist inside a velvet glove. Stephen Harper rules with the mask from the Scream movies.

Like many Canadians, I love being terrified of people and issues—it’s way easier than making the effort to understand them. But Harper wants us to be afraid of so much stuff that it can be hard to keep track. Here’s a useful primer of things the PM wants us to fear:

A coalition government. Check your trousers, Canada. Are they soiled? If not, Stephen Harper would like a word with you about a potential Liberal-NDP-Bloc Québécois coalition. If this trio were to rule, the economy would collapse, the streets of our land would run red with the blood of the innocent and John Baird would lose his chauffeur. Clearly, under such a horrifying scenario, the sweet relief of death could not come too soon for the despairing people of Canada.

Harper has trained his ministers to warn voters that opposition politicians are, as Jim Flaherty recently put it, obsessive in their pursuit of “power, power, power.” Whereas Harper himself eschews power in all its forms and leaves all critical decisions to the Hogwarts Sorting Hat.

The Harper bottom line is this: co-operation is for Communists and beach volleyballers. If our politicians started genuinely working together, what would be next? Civility? Progress? It’s all too frightening to even imagine. That’s why every time we get closer to a coalition government, Harper prorogues Parliament. For you, Canada. All for you.

Tamils. When people show up unannounced at our borders, there’s usually an orderly process through which their claims are fairly considered. But seafaring Tamils? We must fear them because they represent a “security concern” and may possibly be linked to terrorism perhaps. Rest assured, this has nothing to do with being opportunistic or xenophobic. Stephen Harper is totally fine with refugees—but do they always have to come from lands that are so troubled? Where are your yachts filled with refugees, Monaco?

Russians. Whenever George W. Bush needed a boost in the polls, he raised his country’s threat level. When Stephen Harper needed to justify buying expensive new fighter aircrafts, he warned that the Russians have been coming close to getting near to almost thinking about approaching the vicinity-ish of our air space. Are they planning to invade Canada with a single, propeller-powered bomber? WE CAN’T BE SURE. So we must fear the Russians! They are coming for our icebergs! And only Harper can protect us with his $16 billion in jets and his moxie.

Elections. Harper insists an “unnecessary election” would derail our economic recovery. How? He can’t risk telling us! We’ll just have to take the word of the PM and his finance minister, who not only didn’t see the recession coming but also responded to it with the single most inaccurate and widely mocked economic update in the history of both Canada and math.

Census takers. They come right to your door! Sometimes after six o’clock in the evening! They ask personal questions such as how many bedrooms are in your house—because they are perverts! Be warned: if you share information with them, they will STEAL YOUR SOUL.

Toronto elites. These monocle-wearing hobnobbers are all-powerful and evidence of their influence is everywhere—in fact, one of these big-city hoity-toits even grew up to be Prime Minister (Stephen J. Harper, 2006-?). If the Toronto elite aren’t stopped, average folk will surely be forced to surrender their long guns, their virgin daughters and their inferior, grocery-store cheeses.

People who’ve lived abroad. To many Conservatives, leaving Canada is an act of adultery against one’s country (unless it’s on a parliamentary junket paid for by taxpayers, in which case: mini-bar!). Think about it: if you go out into the world, you’re likely to have your narrow views challenged. And who’s got time for that? We should all be like Harper himself, who never left the continent until he was leader of the Opposition—and only then on government trips. He’s more Canadian than the rest of us because, like a tea bag of patriotism, he has steeped in Canada for longer. That’s science.

Just think, Canada: if we begin to understand the world and its people, how can we possibly continue to blindly fear them?

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