Feschuk on the winter from hell

Tuesday, snow changes to rain, then back to snow, then to swarms of biblical frogs

Photo illustration by Levi Nicholson

On Monday morning, freezing rain will move through the region. Temperatures will fall sharply in the afternoon, leading to the risk of a flash freeze, followed by snow, followed by sleet, followed by more snow, followed by hordes of Yeti coming down from the hills to feast on the weakest among us. The high will be -18°?C. With the wind chill, it will feel like -18° C but windy.

On Tuesday, temperatures will warm abruptly, but only for long enough to mess up the backyard rink you’ve spent weeks flooding and shovelling. Snow will begin in the early afternoon. It will change to rain, then back to snow, then briefly to the swarms of frogs associated with Biblical plague, then freezing frogs and, finally, to those ice pellet thingies that sting like hell when they hit your eyeballs. The pellets will be shaped like Bible frogs. As the temperature plummets, Environment Canada forecasts that your mood will shift overnight from desultory, to depressed, to borderline homicidal. Exposed skin will freeze in the time it takes to say, “I’ll be fine, mah faaaace wuhnt freeezzz uhhhp.”

On Wednesday, a polar vortex will churn through the region, bringing snow-nami-like conditions that include high winds, low visibility and plummeting ice clusters the size of a baby’s head. Also, you know that parka you just got back from the cleaners? Environment Canada forecasts a 70 per cent probability that you’ll rub it along the side of the car on your way to work. Not to worry, though—the dirt will match up nicely with the salt stains along the bottom of your pants. Daytime highs in the afternoon are expected to hit -39°. An ideal day to enjoy anywhere between 12 to 17 seconds of the great outdoors!

On Thursday, Environment Canada forecasts a 90 per cent chance of freezing rain, an 80 per cent chance of being sprayed with slush by some asshat in an Odyssey, and a 100 per cent chance of regretting the life decisions that have kept you here. Later in the day, the freezing rain will change into rain, followed by snow, followed by the urge to snap your shovel in two, curl up in the fetal position on the driveway and softly curse your forebears for not having carried on to California. As dawn approaches, expect the arrival of a thick, sentient ice fog that will stalk and devour us all, never stopping, never pausing until every soul along this cruel, frozen hellscape we call a country is consumed. Dress warmly!

Friday will bring more snow and colder temperatures. As the mercury falls, Environment Canada forecasts a 40 per cent probability of Imperial walkers assaulting your rebel ice fortress. Local law enforcement advises that counterattacks be focused on the walkers’ legs, which—if you think about it—represent a rather glaring structural flaw. Who designed these things? Talk about some guys who deserve to be force-choked to death, am I right? They’re probably from the same firm that told Grand Moff Tarkin, “Hey, when you go ahead and spend untold quadrillions constructing this killer space station that’s 140 km in diameter, you should definitely scrimp on a little metal gate that would stop your enemy from firing a torpedo directly into the core reactor.” Anyway, the point is, it’s going to be cold and slippery out there, so only seasoned tauntaun riders are encouraged to risk the commute.

On Saturday, the snow and record cold will continue as a trilogy of all-seeing, all-knowing fronts moves in from Mordor and tracks across the region, covering all the lands in darkness, conferring the power of speech on trees and generally lasting about twice as long as it needs to. Although daytime temperatures are expected to hover around -37°, it is forecast that your teenager will nevertheless insist on going out in sneakers and a windbreaker. As if the cold were not depressing enough, Environment Canada also forecasts the imminent end of the limited-time return of the McRib.

Looking ahead to Sunday, the long-term forecast calls for the moon to become as blood, and the sun as black as sackcloth of hair, and lo shall the earth quake and skies part and every mountain and island move out of their places. In addition, Environment Canada forecasts an 80 per cent chance of every star of heaven falling unto the Earth, for the time of Mother Nature’s wrath will be upon us, and who shall be able to stand? Especially with all this freezing rain.

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