It’s time to makeover the Christmas songs you’ve heard a million times
If we’re going to insist on spending two long months focused on Christmas, we’ll need to revise some of our most popular carols to better reflect the length of the season.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh how dumb it was to rent
This one-horse open sleigh!
Trudging through the mud
On a mild November day
O’er the field so slow
Making no headway
There’s still leaves on some trees
Six weeks ’til the yuletide
Hey I can still see a ghost
From the haunted wagon ride
O, jingle bells, jingle bells,
Our trip was premature
And now our one-horse open sleigh
Is stuck deep in manure!
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
How lovely are thy branches
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
Alas, what are the chances
You’ll still be green
On Christmas Eve?
Our early purchase was naive
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
I blame my wife—she’s crazy
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
My wife just heard me blame her
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
It enraged and inflamed her
And as I sleep
Here on the couch
Your needles fall and branches slouch
O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree
I’ll be here ’til the new year
Said the father to his weary wife:
“Do you see what I see?
Carried by our son, tired wife:
Do you see what I see?
His toy demands—a four-page Christmas list!
Yet it’s only November the fifth
Let me pour us a whisky forthwith!”
Said the mother to her frowning spouse:
“Do you hear what I hear?
Coming from the mouth of our son
Do you hear what I hear?
‘I want to go and sit on Santa’s knee
Where the line winds and wends endlessly
For my first visit of twenty-three!’ ”
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very boring day
And if you think to doubt it
He spent it staring at some hay
All of the other reindeer
Also stood around some hay
Because the eve of Christmas
Was more than 50 days away
Then one breezy autumn night
They thought they heard a fray
But it was probably just the wind
So they turned back to the hay!
Then all the reindeer called him
And they shouted out to say:
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer:
Are you also noticing this hay?”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year
If you’re masochistic
Or capitalistic!
You’ll otherwise sneer:
“Such a—wink—wonderful time of the year.”
“It’s the hap-happiest season of all”
You’ll say it sarcastic
Air quote: “so fantastic!”
And eye rolls galore
It’s the length-lengthiest season of all!
There’ll be parties for eight weeks
Weight gain on your ass cheeks
Your secrets are drunkenly blabbed
Your neighbour will suspect
That you are the culprit
When his inflated Santa gets stabbed
It’s the most wonderful time, wink/eye roll!