Ever so slightly enticed at the prospect of Ryan Lochte making a fool of himself in Washington, D.C., I tuned in for another episode of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? It will probably be the last time I do.
So little happened that I’m able to sum it up in about two sentences:
Lochte and his mom visited the nation’s capital so that Lochte could pick up an award for his Muscular Dystrophy charity work.
OK, that was one sentence.
Since I won’t be getting those 30 minutes back anyway, I thought I’d go ahead and relay Lochte’s dumbest quotes of the night.
On preparing his speech for the Muscular Dystrophy event:
“I’m just going to wing it. . . . I’ve talked in front of, like, a lot of big business people about stuff I didn’t even know.”
Upon seeing the Washington Monument:
“I guarantee I’m going to be the first one peeing in the reflective pool.”
On peeing while in competition:
“I just started peeing in my Speedo on top of the blocks. And I had my goggles on and I started crying because I thought everyone behind me was looking at me and laughing. . . . I don’t even know if I did the right stroke. I think that was probably the only time I’ve ever been nervous before a race.”
On Abraham Lincoln:
“You know why he’s my favourite president? Cause what president can rock a top hat? Seriously, he’s got some mad swag.”
On Pope Benedict XVI’s retirement (while in conversation with “D.C. Girls” at the bar):
“I guess you can call him ex-Benedict.”
On Obamacare, gun control and other hot button issues:
“I swim. So I don’t know much about all this that’s going on.”
On why he frequently zones out:
“Something will pop up in my head, it could be the weirdest thing. Like all of a sudden I have like a jumping banana in my head. And I stop and pause and go, ‘That damn jumping banana is in my head.’ Like, I don’t know what’s going on.”
On not knowing how to tie a tie:
“Can I just tie it in a knot like how I tie my shoes?”
Yes, folks, I think he’s broken a new world record — for dumbest Olympian of all time.