On Campus

What every student should read

It’s completely free. And it shows up in your email every day.

If I had to choose between a stack of Microbiology readings and a novel that I started during Christmas vacation, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t find myself reading about terrestrial and aquatic microbial habitats. So I don’t let myself make the choice. Between January and April, any books outside of my five textbooks (and lab manuals) are banned.

Two weeks into the new semester, I still haven’t touched any non school-related books. Instead, I’ve started reading my spam before killing it off. It doesn’t exactly compare to reading a good book, but it sure is a lot more lucrative. In the past few days I’ve already won hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash prizes.

My spam is even warning me about problems with my computer. And offering helpful solutions.

“Your computer are virus detected. Download antivirus for protect your computer free!”

It’s disappointing when I turn on my laptop and I don’t have any new spam. Just a bunch of emails that I don’t bother to read anymore. Sorry Academica’s Top Ten, but you’ve never offered me any health advice. Like, “Eat pill once a day and BREAK THROUGH WALL!!!”

I’m even getting investment offers and financial advice from complete strangers.

“Hello good sir. My name is Arthur Fowling and I am searching for an investment partner in my lucrative new business venture…”

By the way Arthur, the only people who say “Good sir” are characters from “A Tale of Two Cities” and “Sherlocke Holmes.” It’s about 200 years out of date.

“Greetings from the Gmail team. We are in the process of deleting inactive accounts due to bandwidth limitations. If you do not want your account to be discontinued, please fill in the form below.”

1) Username

2) Password

3) PIN number

4) Credit card information

5) A photo of yourself, so we can include your picture in our annually published book, “People who actually sent us their credit card information and PIN number.”

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