An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Bitch,

Are you for real?

We know it was wrong of us to stand idly by and let Al Gore show all those explicit photographs of what you’re going to look like 30 years from now. But seriously – ease off. You’re all powerful and you’re in a really pissy mood. We get it already. But enough with the apocalyptic downfalls of snow mixed with ice pellets mixed with freezing rain mixed with snow pellets mixed with the frozen tears of sedentary Maclean’s columnists who just can’t lift the shovel even one more goddamn time.

What’s eating you? Is it us? Listen, we all still have regrets about those 1970s commercials for Chiffon margarine – the ones with the catchphrase, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.” The special effects were cheesy at best and some of those woodland animals really phoned in their performances. (You call that emoting, raccoon?) And yes, we bear a collective responsibility for failing to punish Hollywood for callously having you portrayed in films by not only Phyllis Diller but also Bette Midler. Next time, Scarlett Johansson in a fig leaf. We promise.

But you need to lighten up. You are quickly becoming our least favourite anthropomorphized figure since Squealer from Animal Farm and Jack Black. We know it’s not nice to fool you – but there’s nothing in there that says we can’t totally punch you in the face.


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