an open letter to stephen harper’s mother

“Many Canadians have seen big losses in their portfolio in last couple of weeks, I know that because my mother is one of those people and I hear about it every single day… Believe me, I get quicker updates from her on the stock market than from the Department of Finance.” – Stephen Harper

Dear Stephen Harper’s Mom:

Just thought I’d drop you a line to say hello, extend a few pleasantries and subtly exploit to my advantage the fact that you are apparently your son’s closest and most trusted economic advisor.

So, how are you? I am fine. Or, at least, I would be fine if the federal government would implement a $1,000,000 tax credit for bespectacled, pudgy columnists with a borderline creepy Scarlett Johansson fetish and an encyclopedic knowledge of White Shadow episodes.

Next time you talk to your boy, could you please “suggest” to him that he add that to his platform? I know he relies on you for guidance in these difficult times. You’re like a focus group, but cheaper and also you bake cookies. (Unlike Kevin Lynch, who is useless in the kitchen.)

So just go ahead and slip it into the conversation, all casual and natural-like. “Oh, Stephen, not to worry – your children are fine and the house is fine. But boy, I sure would feel a lot better about my financial future if Scott Feschuk had his own million-dollar tax credit. Also, Peter MacKay keeps dropping by to use the sauna. Shouldn’t he wear a towel or swimsuit?”

One other thing – you’re a senior citizen and you seem like a sharp lady. What are you doing with so much of your money in stocks? Your son wouldn’t be exaggerating or making that up, would he?

Your pal,

P.S. I know a few thousand people who’d like to make your acquaintance. They’re called “lobbyists.”

P.P.S. I miss Bob Barker, too.

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