an open letter to william shatner about poo

Dear William Shatner:

You can stop now. I get it. You can stop appearing on my television and in my newspapers to remind me that All-Bran makes people go poop.

Perhaps I am alone in this. Maybe I’m the only one. But I have grown slightly weary of your cheeky, enthusiastic odes to the excretory process.

I admit it: it was kind of cute at first – your passionate, semi-witty extolling of the cereal’s mighty poop-releasing power. “Kellogg’s All-Bran,” you’d say to the camera. “It makes you crap.” Or something like that. Point is: you portrayed the toilet as Eden, utopia, a porcelain nirvana. And you said to poop-challenged people in their fifties and in their sixties and in their abdominal discomfort – I can get you there. All-Bran can get you there!

Don’t get me wrong, Bill. Pooping is great. It beats exploding, hands down.

And I grasp the scope of the challenge facing Kellogg’s. The company is attempting to market and sell the first cereal to answer the question: “Hey, I wonder what hamster food pellets taste like?” (Spoiler alert: Not that great.)

So what do they do? They take a look at the nutritional information on the box and realize there’s enough fibre in there to loosen up an elephant or a DeLuise. And they call you, Bill. They call you with the irresistible offer to become a spokesman for human feces.

Hi, I’m Bill Shatner. Poo = good.

But it’s been years now. Years. First there were the TV ads touting the All-Bran Two Week Challenge to “promote regularity.” Then I opened the paper to find you smiling smugly above the words “Hooray for Number Two!” Now it’s more TV ads, these ones touting All-Bran snack bars – which are apparently great for snacking, if you can remember to forget to remember why you’re snacking on them. WHICH YOU NEVER CAN!

What’s next? All-Bran gum? Mmmmm, you can really taste the psyllium seed husk!

Enough already, William Shatner: We’re trying to eat here. But not that. We’re not going to eat that.

P.S. I’m not saying you’re obsessed, Bill, but when Sulu got married this week what did you send him? A colon?

P.P.S. Wait… Shat-ner. I get it!

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