Dear G8: There’s something you need to know about Muskoka

Just finished reading this piece about the 2010 G8 summit, which will be held at the Deerhurst Resort in Huntsville, Ont.

This past July, after dropping the kids at camp, we decided to spend a night at Deerhurst for fun-based reasons. Because I am a friend to all nations – especially the Italian nation, if saying so will help me get an invite to Berlusconi’s after-party – I offer this two-point guide to everything that G8 delegates need to know about the facility.

One: Best estimates indicate that the room in which we stayed was last decorated in 1978. This may seem irrelevant in the context of global diplomacy and economic co-operation, but I mention it just in case the summit results in an otherwise inexplicable move toward elements of that era, such as wage-and-price controls and Merkel adopting Farrah Fawcett hair. The raw power of the curtains alone had me craving fondue for days.

Two: Visitors to Deerhurst may acquire a flawed perspective on Canadian customs relating to goose poo.

To be specific, if one were to take an early morning stroll down to the waterfront at Deerhurst (as we did), one might come across a maintenance worker equipped with a shovel (as we did). Then one might see the maintenance worker use the shovel to scoop up ungodly amounts of Canada goose feces from the beach – and casually deposit it in the lake, right alongside the children’s swimming area.

Visitors should know this is not how Canadians typically deal with goose poo, preferring instead to accidentally step in it while golfing.