Eight ways the PGA Tour can keep viewers from fleeing during Tiger’s “indefinite break”

8. Allow tackling.

7. Wacky “Parnevik” hats now mandatory for all.

6. Have announcers whisper slightly louder.

5. Augusta’s storied Butler Cabin becomes pants optional.

4. Audience encouraged to snicker knowingly whenever course director introduces a “threesome.”

3. Play every tournament on Tiger’s front lawn.

2. Remind viewers that a majority of the remaining golfers on the PGA Tour have also cheated on their wives.

1. Force Phil Mickelson to wear a red shirt and blackface.

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