Feschuk’s dictionary, 2009 edition

Should-be new words, inspired by the year’s most infamous personalities and events

NOTE: You are invited to add you own definition of a prominent 2009 personality in the comments below. This Definition Challenge will be culminate with a vote on Monday, Dec. 21 – and the winner will receive a $50 gift certificate to Amazon.ca.

As the year winds down, let’s reflect on the pivotal personalities of 2009 and reveal the Fourth Annual List of Words That Ought to be Added to the Dictionary.

ahmadinejad vb. 1. to threaten violence upon one’s neighbour: Once spring arrived, Jason ahmadinejaded the Johnsons until they took down their Christmas lights.

baird n. 1. single-minded hostility. 2. hostile single-mindedness. 3. one who, based on his demeanour, can be assumed to type emails exclusively using CAPITAL LETTERS.

balloon-boy adj. ill-conceived, unwise: The slapdash coalition of opposition parties turned out to be a balloon-boy fiasco.

berlusconi n. the inability to keep it in one’s pants: You’ve got chronic berlusconi, the doctor told John Mayer.

boyle vb. 1. to surprise based on physical appearance: His well-oiled abs glistening under the fluorescent lamps, Ridge boyled all present  by sequencing the human genome. 2. to be radically made over by a high-priced team of stylists, hairdressers and makeup artists, the result somehow being an increase in one’s homeliness.

coderre n.1. a persistent droning. 2. one whose every declaration prompts eye-rolling in others. ant. class, dignity, silence.

donolo n. a perceived messiah: The U.S. government stepped in as donolo to the failing General Motors.

gosselin n. the sound of one’s 15 minutes of fame elapsing. vb. (usu. prec. by kate) to wear upon one’s head a porcupine.

gretzky vb. to be grossly overpaid when judged against the results one has achieved: Given box-office returns, Will Ferrell has been gretzkying since the end of 2006.

harper n. a Tim Horton’s employee: Put on two extra harpers to handle the morning rush.

heatley adj. whining, griping, bellyaching: Even a warm bottle of formula could not soothe the heatley baby.

ignatieff n. a bad situation getting worse: After beginning the season with 14 straight losses, the team suffered the ignatieff of an injured starting goalie. syn. dion. vb. to regret a career decision: Anyone who’s seen the trailer suspects The Rock will ignatieff starring in Tooth Fairy.

karlheinz vb. from the German, meaning “to be wished dead by the large-chinned baritone.”

layton vb. to oppose someone or something time and time again, right up until opposing it would actually result in a consequence: Joan opposed premarital sex, but laytoned when Brad Pitt showed up soaking wet at her door.

letterman n. the urge to change the channel during an awkward televised moment: I felt an overwhelming letterman when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper or magazine.

macdonnell n. a gaffe of forgetfulness. syn. bernier.

madoff vb. to orchestrate an elaborate scheme designed to conceal the truth: By successfully executing a smile, Stephen Har­per madoffed the existence of his robotic circuitry.

mulroney vb. to explain, unconvincingly: The teenager mulroneyed that the joint found in his pocket belonged, in fact, to Matthew McConaughey. n. a commercial establishment that accepts neither cheques nor credit cards: I want to buy these apples but the vendor’s a mulroney—cash only.

obama vb. to exhaust, usu. in  a short span of time, one’s supply of goodwill. n. a rare medical condition in which one is conjoined to a teleprompter.

oprah vb. to announce you’re going to do something, but then to not do it for two years: Covered in Cheetos dust, Amir oprahed on about losing weight, then heated up a burrito.

polanski vb. to travel to Switzerland, unwisely.

rae vb. to become more attractive as an option in retrospect: The filet mignon raed in Diana’s mind once she’d tasted the salmon.

raitt adj. sexy, hot. syn. radioactive leaks, cancer.

sanford vb. to proffer a highly dubious explanation. My wife smashed in my car windows to rescue me, Tiger Woods sanforded.

sully (also: sullenberger) n. one who need never pay for a drink again.

twitter n. a technological breakthrough that frees one of the need to be physically present in the company of others in order to bore them.

usain vb. to move with blazing speed: The Prime Minister usained dozens of Conservative flunkies to the Senate.

woods n. an abrupt reversal of fortune: I was up $300 at blackjack but since the new dealer arrived, I’ve had a real woods of a time. vb. to commit infidelity exclusively with those significantly less attractive than your spouse.

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