give harper two more years of practice and he’ll get it right

Urgent MemoTo Conservative Labs From Campaign HQ

What the hell is going on down there? You guys told us you’d fixed all the bugs in the Emotion Simulator of Cyborg CDF-34298 (“Stephen Harper”).

In 2006, this very same unit sent "its" kids off to school with a firm handshake. A handshake!! That cock-up almost resulted in this whole top-secret organization being exposed.

So we went back to the drawing board. You assured us you’d successfully installed in “Stephen Harper” the new Huggability 3.0 protocols and the full suite of Tenderness facsimiles.

And then it walks "its" daughter to school today in front of all those cameras (the cameras being the sole reason it walked her to school) and – pats her on the shoulder? On the shoulder! Sweet bearded Jesus. Although I suppose we should feel fortunate that its High Five modulator didn’t kick in.

Is there anyone down there who can drag himself away from Guitar Hero long enough to recalibrate this model’s entire PseudoHumanity™ matrix? We’ve got, like, 24 hours til the debate to reboot the Quebecois subsystems and get the unit fitted for a beret.

And do us a favour – make it stop smiling. The batteries can’t take that kind of punishment.