Historical explanations reimagined to be exactly as plausible as the official story regarding Tiger Woods

This highly incriminating cut on my left middle finger? Bit by Godzilla. – O.J. Simpson

When I claimed Jews were responsible for all the world’s wars, I was merely acting “in character” as research for my next movie, Dr. Aryan’s Wondrous Anti-Semitiquarium. – Mel Gibson

It was my understanding that across much of the American south, “hiking the Appalachian trail” is a well-known euphemism for “doing that Argentine chick.” – Gov. Mark Sanford

This transvestite, officer? This one here in the passenger seat of my car? It comes standard on this particular model of Toyota Land Cruiser. – Eddie Murphy

PHOTO GALLERYFamily guy — During happier times, Tiger Woods went to great lengths to portray himself as an all-American family man

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Damn mosquito just kept landing on different parts of her face. – Chris Brown

I thought our ages just had to average out to 18. – Roman Polanski

I chose Sarah Palin as my vice-presidential nominee because she was the best available candidate. – John McCain