How I Plan to Break it to My Wife That I’m Buying a Desk Made From Han Solo’s Frozen Body


Oh, hi. Hi there. Glad your home. Good day at work?

Good. That’s good.

Gosh, you look pretty.

What’s that? That big box out there in the recycling? You want to know what came in that big box, do you?

Oh, you know, nothing. Nothing important, I mean. Certainly nothing worth a lifetime of recrimination and thinly veiled hostility, ha ha.

Here’s a funny story though: Remember how a whole bunch of years ago you half-watched The Empire Strikes Back with me and the kids?

The Empire Strikes Back. You know – one of the Star Wars movies?

No, not the one with the fat man from Boston Legal.

You know, STAR WARS!The one about good vs. evil and it had Harrison Ford and that person who could hardly act.

No, not Working Girl. Listen, the point is you kind of almost watched part of the movie for a few minutes and I distinctly remember you saying something along the lines of, “I sure wish there were some way to physically capture the amazing experience of viewing this epic motion picture and make it a focal part of our interior design.”

You didn’t say that? You sure? Because I distinctly remember you saying something along the lines of – well, maybe it was one of the kids. Point is: the prone and seemingly lifeless body of a notorious fictional space smuggler may not instantly strike you as the central component of a productive work space but—

Hang on, where are you going? Upstairs? Why are you going upsta – listen, before you go up to the office, let me ask you a question: durability is good, right? I mean, mahogany – that’s pretty durable. But are you aware of the unparalleled lasting power of carbonite?

[Three hours later.]

Listen, I respect both your opinion and your creative use of profanity. But I think that you’ll think this desk works once we feng shui it with the Boba Fett hat rack that’s arriving tomorrow.

[Seething pause.]

Look, I understand you’re angry. I do. But can we just go into the next room, sit down and discuss this rationally in the two new $5,500 Star Trek captain’s chairs that I—

I hadn’t mentioned those either?

Gosh, you look pret— oof!

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