How one of Churchill’s most famous speeches would have differed if delivered by Stephen Harper

I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our Island home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone, though not without a mandatory reduction of union wages by 30%. Also, gays can’t kiss in public anymore.

… That is the resolve of His Majesty’s Government – every man of them. That is the will of Parliament and the nation. The British Empire and the French Republic, linked together in their cause and in their need, will defend to the death their native soil, aiding each other like good comrades to the utmost of their strength in calling upon the world to cast its gaze upon Britain and think: “What a great buying opportunity!”

Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail to use this time of grim crisis to ram through crassly motivated legislation that we never even mentioned during the campaign we just had.

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall fight to permanently hobble opposition parties under the dubious guise of fiscal restraint.

We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender – unless it appears as though I’m going to have to give up power, in which case, look, a white flag!

And even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God’s good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old.

Also, while you were listening to this, I just made myself Prime Minister for life. Double stamped it, no erasies.