Know Your Hookers

According to news reports, the “escort agency” that supplied New York Governor Eliot Spitzer with a petite brunette named Kristen – and a place in the Sex Scandal Hall of Infamy right next to the eternally tapping toe of Larry Craig – rates its hookers on a scale from three diamonds, for which the fee is $1,000 per hour, to seven diamonds, for which the fee is $3,100 per hour.

How do they compare?

Seven-Diamond WhoreThree-Diamond Whore

Horse enthusiast Horse faced

Glossy, flaxen hair Wig secured by Velcro

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Heart of gold Cirrhosis of liver

Voice like an angel Voice like guy who ran
Charlie’s Angels – Bosley

Arrives attired in Needs help removing
pricey lingerie snow pants

Willing to dress up Refuses to take off
as nurse, schoolgirl clown costume

Foreplay includes Lets you watch as
massage, striptease she removes false teeth

Convincingly feigns Keeps asking if you’ll
sexual climax be finishing that
room service sandwich