Mega Culpas

David Paterson was recently sworn in as the 55th governor of New York. He is the state’s first black governor, its first legally blind governor, and its second straight ridiculously horny governor.

Over the past week, a number of Paterson’s “personal failings” have come to light. He cheated on his wife a bunch of times. He tried marijuana and cocaine. He got his mistress a government job. But unlike his predecessor in the Governor’s office, Paterson has a mitigating factor for each of his transgressions. He cheated on his wife a bunch of times because their marriage was failing and she was cheating, too. He used drugs back when he was young and foolish. He got his mistress a job because she was stacked, dude. Stacked! (I’m hypothesizing on this one.)

Other lapses that David Paterson will admit to in the coming days, and the mitigating factors he will use to defend them:

• Shot a man just to watch him die. (Mitigating factor: man was Scott Baio.)

• Let NASA use his basement to fake moon landing. (Mitigating factor: spectacle distracted America from traumatic release of Chicago’s debut album.)

• Co-wrote The Wiz. (Mitigating factor: see previous admission of marijuana and cocaine use.)

• Punched a dolphin at SeaWorld. (Mitigating factor: in all fairness, grinning bastard really had it coming.)

• Had sex with Eliot Spitzer’s wife. (Mitigating factor: had just heard Barry White song on car radio.)

• Had sex with Eliot Spitzer. (Mitigating factor: the man has soft hands.)