My Fellow Americans: In the words of one of our greatest prophets, “Seacrest out!”

President Bush has requested 15 minutes of network prime time tomorrow night to deliver farewell remarks to the American people. How will the address break down?

13% Utter bullshit.

9% Forced bonhomie.

5% “A little song I wrote just for you.”

22% Shameless skirting of facts.

12% Acknowledgment that he not only spent the political capital he “won” on the 2004 election, but that he’s in deep debt to the bank of political capital and in retrospect should never have taken out that subprime political mortgage.

6% One final public molesting of a defenceless verb tense.

15% Smirk-based optimism.

8% Request that his Daddy call the White House right now if he’s proud of his son.

4% Awkward period of waiting in silence.

7% Declaration that, okay, he’s had enough practice and he’s ready to do this President thing for real. When do we start?

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