obama just chewed through a tin can! but watch – he’s still sharp enough to slice this tomato!!

Did you catch last night’s Very Special Episode of Barack of Love? Obama had narrowed it down to three finalists among the suitors for his affection. But which would he choose to go steady with: America, liberty or that swelling orchestral music that makes you think you’re watching the end of E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial?

The Democratic candidate’s 30-minute pitch to American voters – which aired on most of the major networks as well as NBC – was abundant in violins, cellos and strategically loosened neckties. There was Obama, talking with middle-class Americans and feeling their pain (mostly financial). There he was again, talking with seniors and feeling their pain (mostly the kind that also tells you when it’s going to rain). There were photographs of Young Obama, Baby Obama, even the always enjoyable Afro Obama. And there was the requisite footage of Barack being an ordinary family man: playing a board game and laughing with his kids just like we all do when three camera crews and 17 Teamsters come over to film us playing a board game and laughing with our kids.

I’m not saying the whole thing had an infomercial vibe but I’m fairly confident that viewers walked away believing that Barack Obama will lower their taxes, invest in clean energy and help make them make delicious homemade pasta in three easy and affordable steps. But wait – that’s not all! If you vote for Barack Obama now, you also get one Joe Biden, two Democratic houses of Congress and a six-pack of cool, refreshing hope. All for the low, low price of one election ballot!

What are you waiting for??

During the show, we were introduced to four American families, each struggling in their own way to achieve the new 2008 version of the American Dream: not getting foreclosed on, laid off or pushed into bankruptcy by prescription drug costs.

It was weird. We’d listen to these people talk about how difficult life is and the many challenges they face just to make ends meet. Yet at no point did that pointy-haired Extreme Makeover guy pop up to build them a house. I’ll say this: Obama may make a fine president or whatever, but he knows the sum total of jack and squat about hosting a reality show.

In other news, John McCain doesn’t have enough cash to produce a half-hour program and broadcast it on pretty much every American network in prime time. On the bright side, he does get a small bump in the polls every time a channel airs a commercial featuring Wilford Brimley.

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