obligatory sex and the city post obligatorily references horrible STDs

The Sex and the City movie – which follows the libidinous exploits of, uhh, Veronica, Betty… Dopey and, er, Horny? (I’m guesstimating) – opens Friday, much to the delight of women around the world who mistakenly believe that they and their friends are equally interesting because they, too, have sex indiscriminately.

I for one could not be more excited about being less excited about this movie. But even I recognize that the return of the “Fab Four” raises important questions, among them: Which one’s the dude again? Is it technically possible to catch syphilis from the seventh row? And, most important of all…

How would Sex and the City have been different if the movie had been set not in New York – but in the deep South?

• All four main characters pregnant all the time.

• Carrie’s obsession with shoes consists of her sometimes actually wearing shoes.

• That gay guy with glasses? Beaten horribly.

• Put it this way: down south, a “seconds sale” means stealing the tube top off your passed-out momma.

• Character of Miranda portrayed by an opossum.

• The ladies grudgingly accept each others’ deadbeat boyfriends, each time pointing out that “at least he’s not black.”

• Every single scene takes place in a Wal-Mart.

• “Fairytale” wedding means ceremony ends before water breaks.

• Touching scene chronicles Charlotte’s mixed emotions over becoming a great-grandmother.

• Glamourous moneybags Mr. Big played by Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard.

• All of Samantha’s sexual encounters involve one to three blood relatives.