Where does your government stand on today’s key issues? A helpful primer

Shortage of life-saving medical isotopesSexy. – Lisa Raitt

Fatal spread of listeriosis Hilarious. – Gerry Ritz

Effects of climate change Apparently also hilarious. – Whoever created government plan to “combat” them

Toronto%!#*@ – John Baird

AboriginalsLazy. – Pierre Poilievre

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Maclean’s launches a 100 per cent made-in-Canada “True North Strong Free” bag

GaysDirty fingernailed. – Tom Lukiwski

RecessionImpossible, then retroactively inevitable, then – Look! Over there! Is that a shiny new dime on the floor?! [Sounds of footsteps racing off into distance, followed by slamming of car door, roar of engine and squeal of tires.] –Stephen Harper

Pledges to expand child care, reduce wait times, etc. <Looking down, trying to avoid eye contact, pretending to talk on cell phone...>

DeficitDefinitely, positively not ever going to happen on our wat— uh oh, now it’s the biggest one ever. – Jim Flaherty

Frosted Lucky CharmsMagically delicious. – Jim Flaherty

MPs crossing the floorA vile outrage until changing one’s view is useful for political expediency. – Stephen Harper

Staying the course in Afghanistan until the job is doneA moral imperative until changing one’s view is useful for political expediency. – Stephen Harper

LawsImportant to obey and aggressively enforce at all times, except the election ones.

Scientific validity of evolutionNeed a couple days to feel sufficient pressure to unconvincingly express "belief" in it. - Gary Goodyear

Kitty-catsAdorable – Everyone