In response to the new Facebook guidelines

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare myself Mayor of Toronto.

As a result of the Bourne Convention (my unsolicited screenplay), I hereby attach my copyright to all of my personal details. You know how I freak out over scary chain letters and jump on every ill-informed social media cause? Remember Kony 2012? Or when I posted that Oprah died?  That’s a personal detail, and I own it.  Shut up.

For commercial use of my photos, etchings, relationship status and Farmville score, my written consent is needed at all times.

The content of this profile is private and confidential information. That’s why I put it on Facebook—for privacy.

Facebook is now an open capital entity. It used to be a private entity, which was better for me I don’t know how.  All members are recommended to publish a notice like this. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing Facebook to commercialize your information.  You may have explicitly allowed Facebook to commercialize your information when you joined Facebook, but that was a really long form so I don’t know.

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Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. I know that I just prohibited you from copying me, but whatever, work it out guys.

Posting this notice to your Facebook Wall will place you under protection of copyright laws. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

Follow Jesse on Twitter @JesseBrown