Scott Feschuk's best celebrity sandwich recipes of 2014

In which the year's biggest personalities make a PB&J sandwich in their own special way

Photo Illustration by Sarah Mackinnon and Marc Hasserjian

Photo Illustration by Sarah Mackinnon and Marc Hasserjian

As we reflect on the events and personalities of 2014, it’s time once again to answer the question on everyone’s mind: How would some of the year’s top newsmakers make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Vladimir Putin

  1. Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out in the open, for all to see.
  2. Smear the peanut butter and jelly from the sandwich all over his face, and ears, and hands, and feet.
  3. While loudly licking peanut butter off his lips, deny with a straight face ever having made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
  4. Remove his shirt and climb on a horse.

P.K. Subban

  1. Dazzle spectators by spreading peanut butter with graceful sweeping motion.
  2. Incite applause with agile and dexterous application of jelly.
  3. Bring crowd to its feet by deftly pressing together the two slices of bread with a singular blend of grace, style and precision.
  4. Turn over sandwich to Zdeno Chara.

Alison Redford

  1. Dispatch a staffer to scour the world for the finest peanut butter.
  2. Procure delivery of fresh grape jelly from the famed jelly mines of Indonesia.
  3. Commission the forging of a butter knife made from Damascus steel, with a diamond-encrusted handle whose diamonds are encrusted with even smaller diamonds.
  4. Reverse-engineer the ancient yeast spores required to reproduce the bread baked 2,200 years ago in Hellenized Asia Minor.
  5. Buy some paper plates at the 7-Eleven. One doesn’t want to appear ostentatious.
  6. Order construction of a lavish penthouse suite in which to eat this one sandwich.
  7. Regard the completed PB&J as presented to her by world’s leading sandwich artisans.
  8. Place the sandwich on an overseas charter flight so as to get this unsightly excuse for lunch out of her face.

Kanye West

  1. Claim to be the greatest maker of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the whole of human history.
  2. Write and record a song about how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he is about to make will undoubtedly be the greatest PB&J ever.
  3. Write and record a second song about how that first song was the best-ever song about the making of a sandwich.
  4. Win a Tony for his one-man Broadway show about how his peanut butter and jelly sandwich will change the very concept of lunch for all time.
  5. Forget to ever make sandwich and die of hunger.

Donald Sterling

  1. Spread peanut butter on a slice of bread.
  2. Pause to marvel at own personal generosity in allowing this disadvantaged food paste to be given such a wonderful opportunity.
  3. Scold mistress for taking so many photographs alongside the jelly.
  4. Scrap the entire sandwich and start over using white bread.

Kevin Vickers

  1. Calmly remove two slices of bread.
  2. Calmly take out the tub of peanut butter.
  3. Calmly open the jar of jelly.
  4. Calmly perpetrate a life-imperiling act of heroism straight out of a Hollywood movie.
  5. Calmly inquire whether anyone in the vicinity would like a bite of his PB&J.

Ezra Levant

  1. Ascribe sinister motives to the brand of jelly chosen by Justin Trudeau.
  2. Raise questions about the patriotism, sexual history and terrorist sympathies of the bear on the label of the peanut butter preferred by Justin Trudeau.
  3. Assail Pierre Trudeau’s 1978 dalliance with marmalade.
  4. Eat crow.

Toronto Maple Leafs

  1. Assemble the ingredients required to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
  2. Place knife into the jar, removing the ideal amount of peanut butter.
  3. Pause as fans call in to radio shows to praise the removal of the peanut butter and express unbridled optimism that this will finally be the year that the Leafs succeed in spreading the peanut butter on the bread.
  4. Stick knife directly into own eyeballs for 47th consecutive year.
  5. Draft a quality jelly during the off-season, raising hopes for next time.

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