An Inconvenient Thong

Apologies for the prolonged absence – I’ve been out in L.A. auditioning to play the heavy in Spider-Man 4. Way I figure it, the third movie cost something like $300-million, yet it wasn’t nearly as financially successful or critically praised. By the time they’ve signed the stars and director for the next installment, the budget is going to be under big-time pressure. Bottom line: they’re going to need to scrimp on the villain.

So: why not me? I can be the villain! Take Spidey back to his street-level roots. I’ll play a disaffected scientist who wears a lab coat and maybe grows some pincers or something. Or a terrifying mullet. Spiderman will need part his guile and 3% of his physical powers to stop me! Cheaper. Smarter. Excellenter. Everybody wins! I can even reduce costs further by bringing my own hubris and bicycle.

Bottom line: I think it went OK. In fact, I was pretty confident I was going to get the role until Screech from Saved By the Bell strolled into the audition room wearing four mechanical arms, a gladiator shield and a Darth Vader mask. Checkmate.

Anyhoo, I came back to the news that with sales down at Victoria’s Secret, the company is trying to boost business by emphasizing the environmentally responsible aspects of its operations – how it now uses FSC-certified paper for its catalogs, for instance, and recycled fabric for some of its garments.

Other ways the lingerie maker is going green:

  • Edible underpants now 100% organic.
  • All thongs henceforth to be made from old tires.
  • Models encouraged to go step beyond hugging a tree to kinda making out with one.
  • “Pushup” effect in bras now supplied not by costly proprietary technology but by a jobless hippie who follows you around in a Prius and occasionally yanks on your bra strap.
  • Crotches from crotchless underwear sewn together to shield entire continent from harmful UV-B rays.
  • All fur-lined panties to double as breeding habitat for the male bee hummingbird.
  • Photographs of attractive models in state of advanced undress and exaggerated erotic pleasure replaced with page after page of pictures of the endangered short-tail chinchilla.
  • Every single tanga, hiphugger and V-string to be personally tried on and approved by Al Gore.
  • New hemp-based demi cup brassieres guaranteed to fully biodegrade by 3 p.m.
  • Once a model turns 30, she’s instantly replaced by an adorable baby seal.

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