Canada under Prime Minister Rob Ford

Scott Feschuk imagines: 'No more whining, OK? I’ve made mistakes, and I have an after-party to get to.'

Photo illustration by Liz Sullivan

News item: Rob Ford said this week that he wants to run for prime minister.

The year is 2021. A former stripper, recently appointed Governor General by Prime Minister Ford, prepares to deliver the Speech from the Throne. As is custom, the GG and PM share the floor of the Senate. Breaking with convention, the GG is seated on the PM’s lap.

Governor General Busty McKnockers: Honourable senators, members of the House, esteemed waitresses from the Hooters out near the airport, a monkey for some reason, ladies and gentlemen:

We gather to open the second session of the 43rd Parliament. Today, our country stands as a model for the world—admired for our freedom, respected for our values, renowned for a subway line that extends from Scarborough to Winnipeg, providing high-density transit to the scattered hermits of various remote locations.

Your Prime Minister has travelled this land. He has met with ordinary people. He has heard their concerns. And he has returned with a list of women who have “nice cans.” At his insistence, I will read from that list:

  • Amber, a blackjack dealer in Saskatoon.
  • Shannon. Possibly from Guelph, but it’s a little hazy.
  • One chick he saw from his limo. She was eating an ice cream cone, if that helps.
  • I can’t make this one out, because it’s written on the back of a hash-brown wrapper, but I think it says . . . Donna D.D.?

Ford: Your majesticness, that’s double-D Donna. Because, you know . . . [He makes the ample-bosom gesture]. That means her boobs were big.

McKnockers: Nous sommes 35 millions de personnes provenant—

Ford: Hang on, what is that—Polish? Klingon? You’re doing it wrong, your highnessnence. Lemme finish up, OK?

Senators and whoever: I’m tired of all the bellyaching, OK? You’re a bunch of whiners. You whined when I turned Stornoway into my man cave. You whined when I appointed my brother Doug to the Supreme Court—which, in my defence, I thought was a basketball-themed restaurant. You whined when I didn’t know Prince Edward Island was a real thing. As if anyone does.

The opposition is always asking me stupid questions in the House like, “Did you know they don’t allow Zubaz in here?” and “Why has every single one of your state visits as PM been to Jamaica?” Like we can afford to just ignore the world’s 122nd-largest economy!

I’ve made mistakes. I’m human. I probably shouldn’t have got so drunk at that state funeral. But don’t try and tell me you all haven’t thought about doing the Weekend at Bernie’s thing. Once again, I want to extend my best wishes to the widow as the search continues for her husband’s body.

And sure, I probably should have studied before my first G8. I know my words there were embarrassing for everyone, but it honestly never occurred to me Chancellor Merkel might be a woman. Have you seen how she dresses? Anyway, I was totally joking when I later proposed a three-way with her and President Clinton. I’m a married man. I would definitely hit on two younger ladies.

My point is: I’ve never been under the influence of alcohol or drugs at a meeting or any time in office. Not that I can remember, anyway. I know a lot of you are thinking about that incident in New York, but who’s to say I didn’t go into the United Nations with that tattoo already on my face?

The bottom line is I’m tired of the accusations, OK? Just because I am physically and mentally dependent on drugs and alcohol, and I am unable to stop using them, does not mean I am an addict in anything other than the dictionary definition of the term.

Besides, it doesn’t matter what any of you think. The taxpayers like me. They see themselves in me—especially the part where I admit my shortcomings but fail to muster even a half-hearted effort to correct them. By being me, I make you feel better about you!

[Tosses away rest of speech.] You know what? Let’s wrap this up. I’ve got an after-party to get to.

McKnockers: Honorable senators and MPs, may Divine Providence guide you in your deliberations.

Ford: Divine Providence? If that’s one of your stripper buddies, definitely bring her along.

Follow Scott Feschuk on Twitter @scottfeschuk

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