playboy’s finances: soft, limp – are you getting the comparative image I am trying to evoke? – drooping, flaccid, a non-erect penis...

It has been revealed that Playboy is losing money. Playboy! You might ask yourself: how does a company lose a million dollars a month publishing pictures of buck-naked ladies? Did futures contracts for crotchless underwear abruptly skyrocket? Has the shady cartel controlling the production of silicone gel ruthlessly scaled back implant production? Did Charlie Sheen allow his 2,000 subscriptions to lapse?

Let’s examine this matter more closely by taking actual excerpts from last week’s quarterly report by Playboy Enterprises Inc. and translating them from the tortured language of financial filings to simple, straightforward English:

Playboy: Our publishing and domestic entertainment businesses continue to face unprecedented change in the way consumers access and use media content.
Translation: Them’s got free naked ladies on those Internets!

Playboy: Revenues were down 8% compared with the prior-year quarter due primarily to continued structural and economic pressures on the company’s domestic media businesses.
Translation: Them’s got free naked ladies on those Internets!

Playboy: The quarter’s results reflected the dual challenges of structural transformation in our traditional media business and a difficult U.S. economy.
Translation: Naked ladies! For free! On them Internets I tells ya!

Playboy: Circulation and advertising sales at Playboy magazine declined while revenues from the company’s international editions of the magazine increased.
Translation: We are kicking big-time ass in all three countries that don’t yet have the Web or the so-called “television.”

Playboy: At March 31, 2008, we had $17.7-million in cash and cash equivalents.
Translation: “Cash equivalents” include Hugh Hefner’s penis, which was dipped in bronze in 1983 by the Nobel committee and carries a scrap-metal value of $37.

Playboy: The 2008 quarter’s results included a $200,000 increase in non-operating expense.
Translation: Apparently Hef’s dosage of Viagra was upped.

Playboy: First quarter 2008 Playboy TV monthly subscription revenues increased, but the gains were more than offset by lower pay-per-view revenues reflecting continued consumer migration from linear networks to on-demand platforms.
Translation: Men still like naked boobies, which is good for us; but they want to see naked boobies immediately, which is not so good.

Playboy: We believe we are making good strategic progress in streamlining our operations and improving the future performance [through] reductions in overhead.
Translation: All Playmates now required to arrive at photo shoot pre-airbrushed.

Playboy: In December 2007, the FASB issued Statement of Financial Accounting Standards No. 141 (revised 2007), Business Combinations, or Statement 141(R). Statement 141(R) retains the fundamental requirements of the original pronouncement requiring that the purchase method be used for all business combinations.
Translation: No idea, but it probably has something to do with nude twins.