10 things Tiger probably won’t say

1. "…and so, in an effort to avoid temptation, I will henceforth be devoting myself exclusively to golf in its underappreciated, family-friendly ’miniature’ form. See you at the windmill!"

2. "I’m sorry to announce that I will not be appearing at The Masters in 2010. I will, however, be using that weekend to perform in a golf-themed adult film entitled The Masturs."

3. "Yes, people of Earth, I have most assuredly been in some sort of bizarre sex jail for the past three months. NOT preparing for a reptoid invasion of your… sorry, our planet. It was definitely the sex jail thing."

4. "Do you people realize what kind of messed-up childhood I had? You should be grateful my sex life doesn’t consist largely of infantilism, bondage, and urinating on Babe Zaharias lookalikes."

5. "After a lot of painful introspection I’ve become convinced I made a mistake marrying so young. To just the one woman."

6. "I’ve asked you all here today so I could tell you about a friend of mine who saved my life. A friend named L. Ron Hubbard."

7. "Nooo, not the science-fiction author and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. That’s just a weird coincidence. This Ron Hubbard is a bartender who pulled me out of a malfunctioning hot tub in a VIP room. Believe me, poor bastard’s heard all the jokes."

8. "Basically, as I grew up, I found myself superbly prepared for everything about a professional golf career… except the overwhelming, fatal tide of sexy double-entendres."

9. "And so I apologize to fans everywhere for my blatantly obvious use of outlawed performance-enhancing drugs. …Wait, what? This is about the screwing? Seriously??"

10. "Above all, I hope my troubles won’t lead to unjust prejudice against my fellow Cablinasians. Stay strong, my people."