Time to set the record straight with corrections and clarifications from some recent inaccurate blog entries:
- Contrary to what I claimed, the W. in the name of U.S. President George W. Bush does not stand for “Washington.” It stands, as any sixth-grader knows, for “Widiot.” I regret the error.
- A quotation attributed to Stephen Harper included a minor typographical error. Mr. Harper did not say, “The sun will fade and the moon shall die. It will come to me, my own, my love… the… precioussss. Must have the preciousssssss.” He said, in fact: “Yes, I would like fries with that.” I regret he did not say the first thing.
- Despite my many assertions and increasingly detailed anecdotes, I have not been linked to Scarlett Johansson on the romantic front. I have, however, been linked to a tiny video camera discovered in her pants, police allege.
- Dick Cheney did not actually shoot a guy in the face, show little to no remorse and then have the victim contact the media to essentially apologize for selfishly putting his face in the way of the vice-president’s otherwise flawless shotgun blast. I mean, none of that can possibly have happened.
- I was wrong when I stated the Conservative government must do a better job of explaining why Canadian troops are still in Afghanistan. In fact, the Defence Minister made a convincing case in a recent speech entitled, “We Don’t Have Any Planes to Get Them Home.”
- My account of the remarks of a well-known scientist was incomplete. In my blog, Dr. Walter Jerrimen was quoted as saying, “Climate change could cause water shortages, destroy ocean life, make it impossible for plants to grow, and ultimately result in the death of billions of people over the next century…” I inadvertently excised the remainder of the sentence, where he added: “…which would suck.”
- I was technically accurate in reporting that Simon Cowell has finished No. 2 (behind Daniel Craig) on a list of men whom British women fantasize about while having sex with their partners. But I should have clarified that the American Idol judge had, just a week earlier, finished No. 1 on a list of people whom Simon Cowell fantasizes about.
- I was hasty in mocking Katie Holmes for spending $340 on a thong at a West Hollywood lingerie boutique. Further investigation revealed that Ms. Holmes wanted to ensure her husband would be turned on – so she had his face embroidered into it.
- Having apologized to Ms. Holmes, I should also extend my regrets to her husband, Tom Cruise. I was wrong to make fun of Mr. Cruise for engaging in a three-minute public kiss with Ms. Holmes. Having done some reading, I now understand that it takes at least that long to ensure you’ve sucked out all of the soul.
- During a recent business report, I indicated that shares in Air Canada could be purchased for $7.80 each. While that was technically true, I should have pointed out they cost $10.80 each if you want a pillow and blanket.
- My account of a recent statement by Kevin Federline was incomplete. I accurately reported that Mr. Federline denied the existence of a sex tape featuring himself and his former wife, Britney Spears. I neglected to add that upon discovering that people would pay millions for such a tape, Mr. Federline immediately began filming a crude reenactment using a Barbie doll and a Ninja Turtle.
FILED UNDER: $340 thongs George W. Bush Kevin Federline