What the hell is wrong with you idiots: ’08 edition

In the sequel, Sex and a Very Small Town in Arkansas, they’re all pregnant, all the time

’08 edition

It’s time for a new instalment of this column’s most popular (i.e. only) recurring feature. That’s right—it’s time for What the Hell is Wrong with You Stupid Idiots, and Other Reasoned Observations.

So now they’re making a Sex and the City sequel, are they? Idiots.

Don’t get me wrong: I understand that the Sex and the City movie—which followed the thong-based exploits of, uhh, Veronica, Betty, the Professor and Mary Ann (I’m paraphrasing)—was a big success this summer. But (spoiler alert) Carrie got married in the film. And (nobody cares alert) various things happened to the other various characters. Bottom line: the show’s big question has been answered, its fans’ curiosity has been sated, which means that a sequel is going to stink . . . unless they somehow completely rejuvenate the plot lines.

To do that, they need to take the girls out of their natural habitat of New York City and make it a fish-out-of-water story. Ladies and gentlemen (okay, just ladies), I ask you to consider the creative possibilities inherent in Sex and a Very Small Town in Arkansas:

• All four women pregnant all the time

• Carrie’s obsession with shoes consists of her sometimes actually wearing shoes

• Character of Miranda portrayed by a weepy opossum

• “Fairy-tale” wedding means ceremony ends before water breaks

• Touching subplot chronicles Charlotte’s mixed emotions over becoming a great-grandmother

• Dreamy rival to Mr. Big played by Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard

So Lindsay Lohan is still dating a woman and straight men are still not doing anything about it, are they? Idiots.

Let’s start with a basic fact: we care deeply about the sex lives of celebrities. Consider the reaction a while back when it was rumoured (falsely, alas) that a sex tape existed featuring Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. The tabloids went nuts. Internet porn sites started a bidding war. And a broke Kevin Federline immediately began filming a crude reenactment using a Barbie doll and a Ninja Turtle.

It’s not surprising, therefore, that people were intrigued when it was revealed Lohan was dating a woman, club DJ Samantha Ronson. Their relationship came to light this past May, when they were spotted kissing on Diddy’s yacht at Cannes. This “coming out” was such a big story that it overshadowed the fact that Diddy had a yacht at Cannes. (What’s next: 50 Cent in a Winnebago at the Booker Prize?) But only now, months later, are men coming to grips with what’s been lost.

Lindsay Lohan was perhaps our most important heterosexual resource—an attractive, famous woman capable of seducing three men while simultaneously driving drunk and filming a music video for a song she recorded while breaking up with three other men.

I’ll tell you one thing: Warren Beatty would never have let this happen. No pretty lady ever went gay on his watch. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s trying to fit into his Captain Wang costume right now so he can fly to the rescue of man’s wounded ego and—what’s that? Warren Beatty wasn’t an all-powerful sexual superhero? Listen, you believe what you want to believe. Personally I see no other explanation for his private parts surviving contact with both Joan Collins and Cher.

So now aging rock stars are peddling their new albums exclusively at Wal-Mart, are they? Idiots.

It began with the Eagles, who sold millions at Wal-Mart, and Journey, who also somehow secured an exclusive deal with the retailer, possibly when company executives, high on paint fumes from Chinese toys, briefly believed it to be 1986. Now add AC/DC and its new CD, Black Ice.

AC/DC’s decision to strike an alliance with Wal-Mart is the latest example of hard times in the record industry. I’m not saying sales are way down across the board, but hip-hop stars now rap about their extravagant consumption of reasonably priced domestic wine coolers. The sense of panic is so extreme that 3 Doors Down made and released an album this year without anyone at the record company noticing and stopping them.

Exclusive deals with retailers are the wave of the future. But they give tremendous power to companies like Wal-Mart. Need proof? Here is the list of songs on the new AC/DC record:

• You Shook Me Until 9 p.m., at Which Time the Store Closed for the Day

• Let There be Rock Tumblers at the Everyday Low Price of $29.99

• It’s a Long Way to the Target (So You Might As Well Shop Here)

• Dirty Deeds Done Slightly Cheaper Than at J.C. Penney

• Back in Black Pantyhose with Girdle

• For Those About to Rock We Encourage You to Check Out the Wide Selection of Bic Lighters

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